So, Rush Limbaugh had the balls to call Justice Sotomayor a racist.
How is it that they can't hire good directors for beloved books, plays, musicals, video games etc.
So when I am elected God, Verbinski will be joining Chris Columbus and Joel Schumacher on the list of filmmakers who will be sentenced to twenty years hard sodomizing without the possibility of parole or lube for the crime of ruining beloved works like Harry Potter, Phantom and now Bioshock.
(Dude, your lair is in a basement. Where the Christ did you get a horse and a gondola?)
Now all of you, stop ruining shit I like.
Arrogant ideologues are easily flustered because they do not know how to cope with losing.
They are either victor or martyr.
There is really no choice. They will either lose or they will throw tantrums. It’s no challenge, but it’s fun nevertheless.
I mean fuck, Mark Levin screams like the surviving abortion of a crazy homeless lady knocked up by a ‘50s sitcom dad even when he’s happy.
(Oh my fucking God, is he trying to look sexy in this picture?)
But when a cold, hard puppet master like Dick Cheney melts down, that’s when it’s time to break out the goddamn caviar.
If this fucking guy is rattled, then we really do have their fingers in our beltloops. (It’s a prison analogy, just roll with it.)
On Sunday, Cheney really showed his hand.
Going off on Colin Powell like that was that kind of strategic blunder that, had Karl Rove been at his side, never would’ve happened.
"If I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I'd go with Rush Limbaugh. My take on it was Colin had already left the party. I didn't know he was still a Republican."
Wow, that is fucking bitter and awesome.
It’s like he’s a jilted ex-fuck-buddy.
He may have well have said, “You don’t want me anymore? After orchestrating two invasions of
And that’s when he pulls a hankie out of his brassiere dabs his eyes, streaking mascara and blows his nose with a loud fucking ‘honk’ that betrays his delicate femininity for the louse he is underneath.
I kept thinking about Don Corleone snapping at Sonny. “Never tell anyone outside the Family what you're thinking again!”
Although I’ve always pictured Cheney as more of a Sally than a Sonny. And Dick, for the record, that’s actually a compliment.
Abe Vigoda is fucking badass.
Also, Mr. Vigoda, please don't take offense. I only mean that the character Sally is amoral, calculating and traitorous. I didn't mean that you were a cunt of a douche like he is.
God, Abe Vigoda is awesome. They've made every other goddamn old TV show into a movie, why not Barney Miller. Let's get that ball rolling while Vigoda is still around to play Fish.
Okay, back to dickless Dick. He really let his guard down and now, all of us are left shaking our heads wondering, “Christ, is he telling us his feelings are hurt? On national television?”
Fuck, that was fun to watch.
Later, he complained that “the critics have free run, and there isn't anybody there on the other side to tell the truth."
Fuck me, could he be any whinier?
I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t want me to gloat, so let’s hope he’s not reading this.
The truth is that because of the unbelievable hubris and corporate gluttony of the past eight years, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since
And most of you know it and you know the fucktards you can thank for your impotence. (On a side-note, I think I've pretty much settled on 'fucktard' as my catchphrase. Well, catch-word.)
These past months, I’ve been relishing the sound of the words former President and former Vice President.
I say them to myself and peals of pleasure ripple down my tubby body.
Go ahead.
Try it.
Former.
Former.
Feel free to touch yourself a little bit when you say it. Our new leader wants us to enjoy our bodies.
I’m typing with one hand now.
Former.
Okay, now I have to go grab a wad of toilet paper.
Also, I already understand the irony of mocking dick-lips for letting us see him emotionally vulnerable and then sermonizing on the topic of my smug self-satisfaction-slash-touching.
So don’t bother pointing it out.
I’m also already aware that I just stole that last sentence from Sideshow Bob, so don’t point that out either.
Christ.
It’s kinda surreal to see something like this making the news when, growing up in a
Of course we were forbidden to go to dances, drink, do drugs or fuck. It’s why so many of us turned out the way we did.
Like the joke goes: Why don't Evangelicals ever fuck standing up?
Because if they were caught, they wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think they were dancing.
Oh, and for the record, most Christian School principals, banned from the BatCave.
This is another big step in the right direction. This fight will be won state by state, just as minds will have to be changed person by person.
To celebrate, please enjoy a picture of my favorite lesbian.
commercial.
2) Frank Zappa will rise from the dead and from then on, Easter will be all about him. Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross will be replaced with Bobby Brown Goes Down and Jewish Princess.
7) Whoever came up with the $5 foot-long ad campaign for Subway, straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I already know that I’m going to end up dying without ever having a four-way with three hula dancers. Thanks for rubbing it in. Jerks. In fact, you know what? You're all banned from the BatCave, too. Well, not the three hula dancers, but the rest of you, just say hi to your mom for me. (See how I'm integrating my new catchphrase?)
8) Mark Funkhouser will be given a new head with a normal aspect ratio so that on Halloween he isn’t limited to either Jack Skellington or Schindler’s List extra.
11) The world will finally believe me when I tell them that Jesse James is really Bill Maher 
standing on a midget’s shoulders.
13) Somebody’s going to have to break it to Chuck Norris that we are not laughing with him.
series of films, all seven directed by David Cronenberg. He has a way with children. Also, in one of the extended versions, there will be a sequence where Chris Columbus is held down and sodomized by Hagrid & Snape.
Michael Bay, Joel Schumacher, Scott Stapp, all of the Eagles and any television personalities who talk like Fire Marshall Bill will be banned from the BatCave.
Heaven will be renamed “The BatCave.”
Tony will be reincarnated as Roseanna Barr’s clit. (You don't have to know which Tony. He knows what's coming.)
Tantrum throwing conservatives will be reminded on a daily basis that for the past 8 years they have been telling us that criticizing our President is Un-American. They will then be cooked and eaten by Mark Mangino.
Roberts, Thomas, Scalia & Alito are hunted down by Mothra, Godzilla, Clive Owen from Shoot ‘em Up or Rodan, depending on what kind of budget I have, the Supreme Court will be stacked with Obama appointees.
You will be able to select your own password on your own goddamn terms. None of this at least one letter and at least one number shit. If I want my password to be badmotherfucker, it’ll be badmotherfucker, goddammit.
Toby Keith will get the Dixie Chicks treatment. What’s the fun in winning if we’re not going to eye-for-an-eye these fuckers? He will also then be eaten by Mark Mangino.
John Waters will be the new pope.
And,I guess progress is progress, but Dr. Laura, this is simply not good enough.
