Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A Day Late & A Fuckload Short

I was very surprised on Monday to learn that Dick Cheney (kinda) came out in favor of gay marriage.

It was not the full-throated support that one would hope for, but it was much more than I ever would have expected from a man like him.

In a speech at the National Press Club, he said, "I think, you know, freedom means freedom for everyone. I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of arrangement they wish.

"And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis. Different states will make different decisions. But I don't have any problem with that. I think people ought to get a shot at that."

I won’t lie to you, my first response to this was, “Hey, good for him. Going against the party platform shows balls, which we know Cheney has in abundance.”

In fact, I don't think you could find a scarier fuck on the planet.

Actually, I think his balls are so big they fill up the area that most people’s sense of decency normally goes.

He doesn’t really seem very approachable.

I’m not saying he’s vindictive, but if he should happen to shoot you in the face, you’d better get the fuck on TV and apologize for getting in his shotgun’s way.

But despite all that darkness and emptiness where his soul should be, it’s hard to deny that having a gay child gives you a unique perspective on what exactly equal rights are.

Nobody wants to see their child be told to move to the back of the bus.

To be honest, for a second, I kinda felt for the guy.

Don’t worry, I came to my senses pretty quickly.

For years, Dick Cheney had to stay silent while his allies launched massive campaigns to strip his daughter of the same rights that straight couples take for granted.

And given the scope and budget of the anti-gay movement, biting his tongue must have been torture.

Again, ascribing actual human emotions to this fuck is surreal, but stick with me. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

I would imagine that seeing their kid discriminated against would be hell for any parent.

Then I thought about the timing and pretty much lost the small measure of sympathy that had surfaced.

Is taking a stand when you are no longer in a position to do any good really commendable?

Why now?

Because at this point in his career, what does he have to lose?

With no real hope of moving up any further in the political arena and a heart that’s going to give out any second now, he really doesn’t stand to lose anything.

Maybe that's why at last he's standing up for the rights of his child.

By the way, Mr. Former Vice-President, (saying ‘former’ still gives me a thrill) just how big is your cock?


So much ball and so little cock.

Do you need a couple of helper monkeys to help you fuck?

One to pull back the excess ball sagging skin and another to pull your dick free of your own sack?

I suppose that if there were no monkeys available to pull the dick out of its hiding place, you could just go fisting instead.

I'm sure anyone who would ever find themselves attracted to Dick Cheney enough to fuck him would be the sort who likes it rough, so I'm sure it all works out.

Wow, this really went in a direction I wasn't really shooting for when I started this.

Fisty Dick.

Note to self. Start a death metal band. Call it 'Fisty Dick.'

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