Wednesday, May 6, 2009

When I Am Elected God: Part 2

1) Also Banned From the BatCave:
• Rick Santelli
• ManCow (Christ, I hate that dick.)
• Douchy looking guy who looks kinda like Dr. Drew’s retarded cousin from the Bath Fitter commercial.
• Boy Claire
• Jim Talent

2) Frank Zappa will rise from the dead and from then on, Easter will be all about him. Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross will be replaced with Bobby Brown Goes Down and Jewish Princess.

3) No more of this ‘Lord’ crap. You can call me Josh. Or badmotherfucker. You can call me badmotherfucker.

4) Anybody I don’t like will be eaten by Mark Mangino. Scratch that. Anybody I don’t like will be hunted down by Clive Owen, then eaten by Mark Mangino.

5) Wanting to cuddle with Clive Owen is no longer considered gay.

6) Profanity is now a virtue and placement in Heaven, sorry, placement in the BatCave will be based on who comes up with the most creative and funniest swears.

7) Whoever came up with the $5 foot-long ad campaign for Subway, straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I already know that I’m going to end up dying without ever having a four-way with three hula dancers. Thanks for rubbing it in. Jerks. In fact, you know what? You're all banned from the BatCave, too. Well, not the three hula dancers, but the rest of you, just say hi to your mom for me. (See how I'm integrating my new catchphrase?)

8) Mark Funkhouser will be given a new head with a normal aspect ratio so that on Halloween he isn’t limited to either Jack Skellington or Schindler’s List extra.

9) Ira Levine will be given another chance to write a sequel to Rosemary’s Baby. We’ll all forget about Son of Rosemary and let him start fresh and maybe this time, he’ll write a novel instead of an abortion on paper.

10) I can put whatever words I want into the dictionary. First up: fucktard. Next: cunting.

11) The world will finally believe me when I tell them that Jesse James is really Bill Maher standing on a midget’s shoulders.

12) Now, this is not something I’d like to see for erotic appeal, but like the way you want to look at a freak show or a car accident or the dude from Freaks rolling and lighting his own cigarette with no arms or legs. And here it is. When I am God, for my coronation ceremony gift, (I’ll be registered at Target, by the way,) I would like a DVD of Mark Mangino fucking a midget. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

13) Somebody’s going to have to break it to Chuck Norris that we are not laughing with him.

14) All of the Harry Potter books will be remade into a second series of films, all seven directed by David Cronenberg. He has a way with children. Also, in one of the extended versions, there will be a sequence where Chris Columbus is held down and sodomized by Hagrid & Snape.

15) I will be able to grow a moustache as badass as Nick Cave’s.

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