Sunday, May 31, 2009

Irony Rules

So, Rush Limbaugh had the balls to call Justice Sotomayor a racist.

Irony fucking rules.

If the world had no more fucktards, what would we do?

I don't want to be bored forever.

So Limbaugh, Gingrich, etc., keep it up.

This is fun.
Also, is there something wrong with me that looking at this picture makes me wonder what the hell that finger smells like?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Good Material - Bad Movies (When I am Elected God Part III)

I just found out that Gore Verbinski will be directing the film version of Bioshock. This is horrible news.

How is it that they can't hire good directors for beloved books, plays, musicals, video games etc.

So when I am elected God, Verbinski will be joining Chris Columbus and Joel Schumacher on the list of filmmakers who will be sentenced to twenty years hard sodomizing without the possibility of parole or lube for the crime of ruining beloved works like Harry Potter, Phantom and now Bioshock.

(Dude, your lair is in a basement. Where the Christ did you get a horse and a gondola?)

Michael Bay, Transformers was just good enough to keep you off this list but it's going to take much more than that to take the taste of Pearl Harbor out of our mouths. Consider yourself on notice.

Now all of you, stop ruining shit I like.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Stone Cold Heart Can Also Be Broken

Most people sweat when they’re cornered, so it’s no mean feat to see most of the neo-cons who’ve risen in the past decade pissing their pants now that they’re out of power.

Arrogant ideologues are easily flustered because they do not know how to cope with losing.

They are either victor or martyr.

There is really no choice. They will either lose or they will throw tantrums. It’s no challenge, but it’s fun nevertheless.

I mean fuck, Mark Levin screams like the surviving abortion of a crazy homeless lady knocked up by a ‘50s sitcom dad even when he’s happy.

(Oh my fucking God, is he trying to look sexy in this picture?)

But when a cold, hard puppet master like Dick Cheney melts down, that’s when it’s time to break out the goddamn caviar.

If this fucking guy is rattled, then we really do have their fingers in our beltloops. (It’s a prison analogy, just roll with it.)

On Sunday, Cheney really showed his hand.

Going off on Colin Powell like that was that kind of strategic blunder that, had Karl Rove been at his side, never would’ve happened.

"If I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I'd go with Rush Limbaugh. My take on it was Colin had already left the party. I didn't know he was still a Republican."

Wow, that is fucking bitter and awesome.

It’s like he’s a jilted ex-fuck-buddy.

He may have well have said, “You don’t want me anymore? After orchestrating two invasions of Iraq together, you can just walk away without feeling anything?”

And that’s when he pulls a hankie out of his brassiere dabs his eyes, streaking mascara and blows his nose with a loud fucking ‘honk’ that betrays his delicate femininity for the louse he is underneath.

I kept thinking about Don Corleone snapping at Sonny. “Never tell anyone outside the Family what you're thinking again!”

Although I’ve always pictured Cheney as more of a Sally than a Sonny. And Dick, for the record, that’s actually a compliment.

Abe Vigoda is fucking badass.

Also, Mr. Vigoda, please don't take offense. I only mean that the character Sally is amoral, calculating and traitorous. I didn't mean that you were a cunt of a douche like he is.

God, Abe Vigoda is awesome. They've made every other goddamn old TV show into a movie, why not Barney Miller. Let's get that ball rolling while Vigoda is still around to play Fish.

Okay, back to dickless Dick. He really let his guard down and now, all of us are left shaking our heads wondering, “Christ, is he telling us his feelings are hurt? On national television?”

Fuck, that was fun to watch.

Later, he complained that “the critics have free run, and there isn't anybody there on the other side to tell the truth."

Fuck me, could he be any whinier?

I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t want me to gloat, so let’s hope he’s not reading this.

The truth is that because of the unbelievable hubris and corporate gluttony of the past eight years, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Rome, the neo-con movement is one collective flaccid cock.

And most of you know it and you know the fucktards you can thank for your impotence. (On a side-note, I think I've pretty much settled on 'fucktard' as my catchphrase. Well, catch-word.)

These past months, I’ve been relishing the sound of the words former President and former Vice President.

I say them to myself and peals of pleasure ripple down my tubby body.

Go ahead.

Try it.



Feel free to touch yourself a little bit when you say it. Our new leader wants us to enjoy our bodies.

I’m typing with one hand now.


Okay, now I have to go grab a wad of toilet paper.

Also, I already understand the irony of mocking dick-lips for letting us see him emotionally vulnerable and then sermonizing on the topic of my smug self-satisfaction-slash-touching.

So don’t bother pointing it out.

I’m also already aware that I just stole that last sentence from Sideshow Bob, so don’t point that out either.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Because There's Nothing Better To Talk About

Am I the only one enjoying the audacity of Santelli, fucktards, et. al. are trying to pass off what started on the floor of the stock exchange as a populist movement?


Friday, May 8, 2009

Dancing Verboten

It’s kinda surreal to see something like this making the news when, growing up in a Christian School, it was the norm.

Of course we were forbidden to go to dances, drink, do drugs or fuck. It’s why so many of us turned out the way we did.

Like the joke goes: Why don't Evangelicals ever fuck standing up?

Because if they were caught, they wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think they were dancing.

Oh, and for the record, most Christian School principals, banned from the BatCave.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Latest Victory in the Fight For Marriage Equality

This is another big step in the right direction. This fight will be won state by state, just as minds will have to be changed person by person.

To celebrate, please enjoy a picture of my favorite lesbian.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

When I Am Elected God: Part 2

1) Also Banned From the BatCave:
• Rick Santelli
• ManCow (Christ, I hate that dick.)
• Douchy looking guy who looks kinda like Dr. Drew’s retarded cousin from the Bath Fitter commercial.
• Boy Claire
• Jim Talent

2) Frank Zappa will rise from the dead and from then on, Easter will be all about him. Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross will be replaced with Bobby Brown Goes Down and Jewish Princess.

3) No more of this ‘Lord’ crap. You can call me Josh. Or badmotherfucker. You can call me badmotherfucker.

4) Anybody I don’t like will be eaten by Mark Mangino. Scratch that. Anybody I don’t like will be hunted down by Clive Owen, then eaten by Mark Mangino.

5) Wanting to cuddle with Clive Owen is no longer considered gay.

6) Profanity is now a virtue and placement in Heaven, sorry, placement in the BatCave will be based on who comes up with the most creative and funniest swears.

7) Whoever came up with the $5 foot-long ad campaign for Subway, straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I already know that I’m going to end up dying without ever having a four-way with three hula dancers. Thanks for rubbing it in. Jerks. In fact, you know what? You're all banned from the BatCave, too. Well, not the three hula dancers, but the rest of you, just say hi to your mom for me. (See how I'm integrating my new catchphrase?)

8) Mark Funkhouser will be given a new head with a normal aspect ratio so that on Halloween he isn’t limited to either Jack Skellington or Schindler’s List extra.

9) Ira Levine will be given another chance to write a sequel to Rosemary’s Baby. We’ll all forget about Son of Rosemary and let him start fresh and maybe this time, he’ll write a novel instead of an abortion on paper.

10) I can put whatever words I want into the dictionary. First up: fucktard. Next: cunting.

11) The world will finally believe me when I tell them that Jesse James is really Bill Maher standing on a midget’s shoulders.

12) Now, this is not something I’d like to see for erotic appeal, but like the way you want to look at a freak show or a car accident or the dude from Freaks rolling and lighting his own cigarette with no arms or legs. And here it is. When I am God, for my coronation ceremony gift, (I’ll be registered at Target, by the way,) I would like a DVD of Mark Mangino fucking a midget. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

13) Somebody’s going to have to break it to Chuck Norris that we are not laughing with him.

14) All of the Harry Potter books will be remade into a second series of films, all seven directed by David Cronenberg. He has a way with children. Also, in one of the extended versions, there will be a sequence where Chris Columbus is held down and sodomized by Hagrid & Snape.

15) I will be able to grow a moustache as badass as Nick Cave’s.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Our Definition of Spreading Democracy

Pictures of the New Iraq:

Thank God we ousted an oppressive monster so the people of Iraq could be free.

I know you can't hear the tone of my voice, but I'm being mother-humping, jesus-banging sarcastic.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

When I Am Elected God: Part 1

Michael Bay, Joel Schumacher, Scott Stapp, all of the Eagles and any television personalities who talk like Fire Marshall Bill will be banned from the BatCave.

Heaven will be renamed “The BatCave.”

Tony will be reincarnated as Roseanna Barr’s clit. (You don't have to know which Tony. He knows what's coming.)

Tantrum throwing conservatives will be reminded on a daily basis that for the past 8 years they have been telling us that criticizing our President is Un-American. They will then be cooked and eaten by Mark Mangino.

Roberts, Thomas, Scalia & Alito are hunted down by Mothra, Godzilla, Clive Owen from Shoot ‘em Up or Rodan, depending on what kind of budget I have, the Supreme Court will be stacked with Obama appointees.

You will be able to select your own password on your own goddamn terms. None of this at least one letter and at least one number shit. If I want my password to be badmotherfucker, it’ll be badmotherfucker, goddammit.

Toby Keith will get the Dixie Chicks treatment. What’s the fun in winning if we’re not going to eye-for-an-eye these fuckers? He will also then be eaten by Mark Mangino.

John Waters will be the new pope.

My Ongoing Quest for a Catch-Phrase

I'm really leaning towards "say hi to your mom for me."


Understated, no?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Phuck Phelps

Fred Phelps. For the record, attempts to shut you up, well-intentioned as they may be are misguided. Free Speech is a rare absolute. NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED TO BE QUIET UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. So now that that's out of the way...

Fuck you.

Fuck your church.

Fuck your family.

Fuck your god.

If God does in fact exist, I'm fairly certain that you're going to spend eternity in Hell being sodomized by Satan himself. And I hear he has a very pointy cock, like a spearhead. Have fucking fun with that, you dickless, cunting piece of shit.

Baby-Step Progress from Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura has been getting some kudos of late for her newfound tolerance of same-sex couples.

I even saw one liberal blogger say, “You go, girl.”

Here’s what she had to say on Larry King a few weeks back.

: This week, the Washington City Council voted to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states. And the Vermont legislature voted to override a gubernatorial veto of a bill legalizing same sex. Do you think this -- now we have four states, about to be five states.

SCHLESSINGER: Well, it's issues of -- sometimes it's done by courts, sometimes it's done by legislatures.

KING: Basically, five states now say you can have it. What do you think of that? What are you laughing at?

SCHLESSINGER: Well, I don't have much of an opinion on it.

KING: You have no opinion on it?

SCHLESSINGER: Not much, no.

KING: But you've always favored that marriage must be between a man and woman.

SCHLESSINGER: I'm very big on human beings finding love, attachment and commitment and being faithful to it, because there's more to benefit when there is real true commitment and faithfulness to it. I still believe, as just every president has, and all the people who ran for office, that marriage is a sacrament between a man and a woman. So not calling it marriage works for me. But that two people would have that sort of commitment to me is very healthy and very positive thing in their lives and society as a whole.

KING: So, you favor marriage between a man and a woman, but you applaud the fact that even people of the same-sex can have that kind of commitment to each other.

SCHLESSINGER: That's a beautiful thing and a healthy thing.

Now, this is preferable to where she used to stand on the issue.
And,I guess progress is progress, but Dr. Laura, this is simply not good enough.

Anything short of marriage equality is a retread of ‘separate but equal.’

Any distinction between straight and gay couples is ordering a lot of people to the back of the bus.

Liberal Leaning? Really?